Being a Better Friend

     I often tell myself that I'm an awful friend. My marshwiggle tendencies toward melancholy lead me down the path of self abasing, which is one of the things I hate the most when I hear others doing it. My concern for others' self image is how I know that I'm not as bad at being a friend as I tell myself. (I do however have a lot of work to do, but that's not so uncommon.)
     Proverbs has a lot to say about being a friend, so I ought to compare myself to the friends in Proverbs, as should we all. That method is probably the wisest and healthiest I can think of for being a better friend.

     I'll start with the kingpin of friend verses, Proverbs 17:17. "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Wonderfully said, but what does this tell you about yourself? Do you love at all times? Even four in the morning? Even when you have a test to study for? Even when you're angry at him or upset with her? Even when you feel like they should be loving you more? I honestly don't. But that's where I'm beginning to improve. Once you've diagnosed a disease, it's much easier to treat it.

     By the way, when you do have to love a difficult friend remember Proverbs 27:6, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." This wisdom is double-edged.
     Firstly, you must remember that loving a difficult friend can wound them. But to be a faithful friend, you must do what is best for them. The clichés "This will hurt me more than it hurts you," and "I'm only doing this because I love you" both draw on the wisdom from this verse.
     Secondly, you must remember that a friend who seems difficult may be the faithful friend that you need, and the difficulty he or she is causing you may be the wounds that you need. He may be cauterizing a cut to keep your spirit from gangrene. She may be cutting a cancerous tumor out of your soul.
     It takes wisdom to tell the difference. Sometimes things get so cloudy that you might both act as the faithful friend for each other-- but isn't that how friendship is supposed to work anyway?

     When you know that you have a faithful friend--  a really good friend-- you can always count on his or herr input, whether you are facing a personal crisis, making a life-changing decision, trying to figure out a member of the opposite sex, or even just trying to motivate yourself to finish a project "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend." Proverbs 27:9 succinctly compares counsel from a good friend to the biblical equivalent of a nice long shower. When you're feeling really dirty and bogged down, or weak and weary, a long shower helps to fix it like little else. So with less physical things, a long talk with a caring friend cleanses the soul of much of the grime you pick up in everyday life.

     Friends are friendly. This tautological axiom brings up my last verse, Proverbs 27:14. "He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, It will be reckoned a curse to him." This verse has led to many silly conversations, but it is still wisdom from the wisest man in the world shared through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. You have to be friendly to your friends (as the King James Version renders Proverbs 18:24) in order to keep them. Proverbs 27:14 teaches us that boisterousness and friendliness are not the same thing. (For you early birds be aware that your joy may be offensive if you aren't delicate. And for you night owls, be aware that you should still be friendly, even when it's four in the morning, though at that time it will probably look different than friendliness at four in the afternoon.) The boisterous laughter of an evening meal is not in season at most breakfasts. You can still be cheerful without offending those whose bodies take longer to boot up every morning.


-Written with a friend nearby in a dorm lounge. ;)
In love,
Justus

Lonliness

l(a

le
af
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one
l

iness

This is a poem by e e cummings.

I don't think there's a person on this planet who doesn't know what it means to be lonly. Even Christ felt alone on the cross (see Mark 15:34).

     A couple of weeks ago I had an intense panic attack that was set off by an irrational fear of lonliness. I had gone on a walk because I was somewhat bored and there wasn't much going on, on that walk I was intraspectively reviewing myself. I often go on walks in order to consider my approach to problems: school, social, spiritual, etc.

     Usually I end up praying, then returning to my dorm and getting back to work. This time was different. I was working through a social issue which I had just noticed. The friends I have were always doing something and I could never just interject and do something with them. (I later found out that almost everyone on this campus are classified in the Myers-Briggs Personality test as judging people, which means they have to have structure, whereas I'm a percieving person, which means I like to do things off the cuff.)

     As I was walking I began to blame myself for not being able to interject myself into a social situation. I started to panic over the fact that I might not be able to find people who would just go somewhere with me when I was bored. (Selfishness in action. Sin tends to bring awful results like this.) Since it was dark and cold and I was shaking because of my panic I decided to sit until it passed. I went to a gazebo on campus where I sat and began to pray. In my time praying I began to feel much better and realized that I was overreacting. Even so, I was still rattled.

     When I got back to my room, one of my roommates (anonymous for the time being) spoke with me because he saw me shaking. As I was trying to figure out how to word my issue I looked into the Word of God. I had a couple of verses on my mind. 1 John 4:17-18, Isaiah 43:1-7, Proverbs 3:19-26 These verses came through various channels, a chapel message, a Facebook post, and an attempt to memorize a chapter of the Bible, but each of them pointed me to one thing: I need not fear for God loves me and is with me.

     

     My roommate asked me what was wrong. I answered and explained my situation. I realized something. 1 John 4:18 bothers me. I have fear; there is no fear in perfect love; the one who fears has not been perfected in love; I fear love. That's right I have an irrational fear of love. (That is I fear loving others.) The reason is twofold. In order to love one must open oneself, and I do not like to be open, even with those to whom I am very close. And love involves sacrifice. In fact in John 15:13 it says "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."

    

     I am too selfish and value my safety too greatly. That is also why it is hard for me to follow Christ in many ways. (1 John 5:3) My selfishness causes most of my lonliness. Even though my friends may be busy, when they are not I don't seem to have the time to sacrifice to be with them. I am a hypocrite. However, Christ has been at work and I intend to change and "be transformed by the renewing of [my] mind" as Paul puts it (Romans 12:1-2).

     With that in mind, last night I had a conversation with a friend along the same lines as this post. Lonliness is a highly contageous disease. My friend's issue was that he could not seem to find a group to fit in with. I and another friend prayed for him and gave some suggestions while we talked it over, but I still didn't open up. 1 John 4:20-21 condemns my attitude of self-preservation at the expense of love. Love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" according to 1 Corinthians 13:7. So let us love and persevere in our love. Though we bear our selves to our friends and to our enemies, we have shown our love, and in this Christ is glorified.

In love,

Justus

Mark 15:34, 1 John 4:17-18, Isaiah 43:1-7, Proverbs 3:19-26, 1 John 4:18, John 15:13, 1 John 5:3, Romans 12:1-2, 1 John 4:20-21, 1 Corinthians 13:7