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This is a poem by e e cummings.
I don't think there's a person on this planet who doesn't know what it means to be lonly. Even Christ felt alone on the cross (see Mark 15:34).
A couple of weeks ago I had an intense panic attack that was set off by an irrational fear of lonliness. I had gone on a walk because I was somewhat bored and there wasn't much going on, on that walk I was intraspectively reviewing myself. I often go on walks in order to consider my approach to problems: school, social, spiritual, etc.
Usually I end up praying, then returning to my dorm and getting back to work. This time was different. I was working through a social issue which I had just noticed. The friends I have were always doing something and I could never just interject and do something with them. (I later found out that almost everyone on this campus are classified in the Myers-Briggs Personality test as judging people, which means they have to have structure, whereas I'm a percieving person, which means I like to do things off the cuff.)
As I was walking I began to blame myself for not being able to interject myself into a social situation. I started to panic over the fact that I might not be able to find people who would just go somewhere with me when I was bored. (Selfishness in action. Sin tends to bring awful results like this.) Since it was dark and cold and I was shaking because of my panic I decided to sit until it passed. I went to a gazebo on campus where I sat and began to pray. In my time praying I began to feel much better and realized that I was overreacting. Even so, I was still rattled.
When I got back to my room, one of my roommates (anonymous for the time being) spoke with me because he saw me shaking. As I was trying to figure out how to word my issue I looked into the Word of God. I had a couple of verses on my mind. 1 John 4:17-18, Isaiah 43:1-7, Proverbs 3:19-26 These verses came through various channels, a chapel message, a Facebook post, and an attempt to memorize a chapter of the Bible, but each of them pointed me to one thing: I need not fear for God loves me and is with me.
My roommate asked me what was wrong. I answered and explained my situation. I realized something. 1 John 4:18 bothers me. I have fear; there is no fear in perfect love; the one who fears has not been perfected in love; I fear love. That's right I have an irrational fear of love. (That is I fear loving others.) The reason is twofold. In order to love one must open oneself, and I do not like to be open, even with those to whom I am very close. And love involves sacrifice. In fact in John 15:13 it says "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."
I am too selfish and value my safety too greatly. That is also why it is hard for me to follow Christ in many ways. (1 John 5:3) My selfishness causes most of my lonliness. Even though my friends may be busy, when they are not I don't seem to have the time to sacrifice to be with them. I am a hypocrite. However, Christ has been at work and I intend to change and "be transformed by the renewing of [my] mind" as Paul puts it (Romans 12:1-2).
With that in mind, last night I had a conversation with a friend along the same lines as this post. Lonliness is a highly contageous disease. My friend's issue was that he could not seem to find a group to fit in with. I and another friend prayed for him and gave some suggestions while we talked it over, but I still didn't open up. 1 John 4:20-21 condemns my attitude of self-preservation at the expense of love. Love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" according to 1 Corinthians 13:7. So let us love and persevere in our love. Though we bear our selves to our friends and to our enemies, we have shown our love, and in this Christ is glorified.
In love,
Justus
Honest. I've been there. God will grow you.
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